


Start the Insanity

by timecapsulepanda (blackredpanda)



Category: Insaniquarium (Video Game)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Gen, Origin Story, Rare Fandoms, other characters not mentioned in tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-24 22:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22265233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackredpanda/pseuds/timecapsulepanda
Summary: Where did the money fish come from? Why are the aliens so determined to kill them? How did this become a battle for the fate of the Earth?Now you have all the answers to questions you never asked.(Originally written in 2008.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Conspiracies

**Author's Note:**

> Busy days again.
> 
> To join in late on decade progress memes, I'm posting older fics. This file was last saved 2008-07-16 and has not been edited since. It is **incomplete** and is likely to remain so, but I have included very brief notes after the last chapter about what would have happened.
> 
>  _[Insaniquarium](https://store.steampowered.com/app/3320/Insaniquarium_Deluxe/)_ is a game about feeding fish, collecting coins, and fighting aliens, published by PopCap Games (known most recently for _Plants vs Zombies_ and its spinoffs). As you progress, you unlock pets which have various functions, such as doing extra damage to aliens. Eventually there is a boss battle where you have to defend the pets themselves from Cyrax, the alien mastermind. All this is exactly as weird as it sounds. Unlockable lore snippets for the pets and aliens can be viewed on [the wiki](https://insaniquarium.fandom.com/wiki/Insaniquarium_Wiki).

It was nighttime on the distant ocean planet of Cyracion. Vicious maelstroms churned the surface of the waters, as they usually did, but all was quiet in the depths. Still, it was that time of night when conspiracies, murder plots and other dark plans would find form. Tonight it fell to a band of servants deep in the Cyracian Imperial Palace to fulfill that expectation.

“This was not a good idea,” said a small creature with a bulging cranium and tentacles. “Cyrax will hear about this, one way or another…”

“Calm yourself, #52,” another creature exactly like the first responded. “I have taken every precaution to ensure the secrecy of this meeting.”

“That’s what they all say,” said a third.

“Even if he did find out,” the mastermind continued, “we are not completely defenseless. Besides, you are forgetting the main point of our meeting. Cyrax has gone soft, and we’ll have to do something about that.”

“What makes you say that?” #52 asked.

“You’ve seen his latest plan to expand the Cyracian Empire.”

“Yes… he engineered those strange fish that produce shiny disks. Said something about selling them to the leaders of planet Earth, for their people’s eternal servitude. Take advantage of their greed and all that.”

“That is precisely the problem,” the mastermind said, thumping the table in front of them with his tentacle. “As if he needed the humans to sell themselves into slavery, when he could just overwhelm them with our superior technology.”

“What are we supposed to do? Start the invasion ourselves?”

“Sadly, no. _We_ do not command the Cyracian imperial army. That’s the problem with the world these days,” Mastermind added. “People don’t appreciate what they have.”

“And what _do_ we have?”

“We have access to the money fish, as he calls them, and enough of our kind for a small force. So we seed the creatures on Earth. If their economy truly revolves around those shiny disks as Cyrax said, it will collapse soon after the fish arrive. That will weaken them enough for our invasion.”

#52 rubbed his tentacles together with glee, having overcome his initial apprehension. “And that’s when we get rid of Cyrax, right?”

“But of course.”

“Why can’t we just get rid of him now while he’s sleeping?” interrupted a fourth member who had not previously spoken.

“Because,” Mastermind sighed, “he still has loyal henchmen surrounding him. If we kill him now, they will come after us. But if we can claim responsibility for the invasion of Earth in his stead, their loyalty will disappear. You are dismissed. Go and get the money fish ready for transport. Remember not to take too many at a time, or Cyrax will notice.”

“How are we supposed to get in? All the security systems are lethal.”

“We’re all miniature Cyrax clones,” Mastermind said in a tone of practiced patience. “And the system responds to biometrics. Please do try to think for yourself.”

“One more thing. Cyrax said that one of the breeder fish was to be disposed of for being too intelligent. What do we do with that one?”

“Wipe its memories and put it in a stasis egg. It might come in handy.”

So they dispersed, each eagerly anticipating the day when their little rebellion would rule the Cyracian Empire.


	2. The Fish Arrive

Strains of “And I-ah-I-ah-I will allllwayyyys love youuuu” echoed through the little San Francisco shop called the Fish Emporium. The perfectly-pitched, if otherwise unexciting, voice came from Meryl, the owner of the store, part-time pop star, and mermaid in disguise. Not many people knew the last fact, however.

Meryl had finished her practice karaoke track and was about to move on to another when she sighted some fish in a previously empty display tank. _That’s strange,_ she thought. _Obviously fish don’t appear out of nowhere._ The orange-bodied, pink-finned fish resembled guppies. Upon closer inspection, however, there were some miniscule differences – big enough to make her sure they were not ordinary guppies, but not so noticeable that she could have pointed them out if asked. _I’d better watch them for a bit before I sell them or do anything with them for that matter._

She turned to feed the fishes in the other display tanks. Just then, a man in a long white lab coat (which gave the distinct impression that he did not have normal clothes) walked in and plucked a can of SuperMegaUltra Specially Formulated Fish Vitamins from a shelf. He was about to pay when a flash of light from one of the tanks caught his eye. To his amazement, he saw that the guppy-like fish in the tank were dropping coins. Hastily assuming a casual look, he turned to Meryl.

“How much do you want for those fish?” he asked.

“Oh, those? They’re not for sale.”

The scientist (what else could he have been?) tried to hide his disappointment. “Why not?”

“Umm…” Meryl hesitated, casting a quick glance at the fish. “They’re… new arrivals. Yes. Quarantine regulations.”

 _Could she already know about the money? No – they wouldn’t be on display if she did. I must have those fish!_ “Come now,” the scientist cajoled, “they look perfectly healthy to me. And I won’t dump them into any rivers or streams or anything. I would never be so heartless. Would I be plunking down $200 for these SuperMegaUltra Overpriced Vitamins if I didn’t care about my fish?”

“Oh, all right,” Meryl relented. _The sooner they’re out of my store the better._ “How about $100 a fish?”

“Yes, of course,” the scientist replied absent-mindedly, trying to shift his position to block the tank so Meryl couldn’t see the money. “I’ll take them all.”

“Right. Now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, waving him aside.

Fortunately for the scientist, the fish did not drop any money while Meryl was bagging them. In a few minutes he was out of the store, hands full of plastic bags. His wallet was several hundred dollars lighter, to be sure, but with these fish he would soon earn the money back, and more.


	3. Spread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Past me headcanoned that only the pets were sapient, and the rank-and-file money fish were not, despite hints in the lore to the contrary. This, I think, was for two reasons. One was that it makes the carnage the aliens wreak slightly less disturbing; but then again the plants in _Plants vs Zombies_ were undeniably sapient, and nothing came of that.
> 
> The other reason was that they kept gleefully swimming into the aliens and reducing themselves to red mist.
> 
> Expect repeated insults to their intelligence from this chapter onwards.

“Look at that,” a green seahorse spat in disgust. As his face was pressed against the wall of the aquarium which he lived in, the results were unpleasant. He quickly recovered and resumed his rant. “SuperMegaUltra Specially Formulated Fish Vitamins? What sort of factory-made artificial trash are they trying to feed us?”

“Yes, Zorf,” sighed a fiddler crab on the tank floor who was practicing a cross between dancing and kickboxing. “Organic is the wave of the future. SuperMegaUltra puts enough preservatives in their fish food to embalm us from the inside out. You’ve been on about it since Dr. Tesla stopped feeding us Sunshine All-Natural Fish Pellets. Get over it.”

“Don’t forget it tastes like plastic,” Zorf the seahorse added. “It’s a good thing I saved some of the Sunshine Pellets. I’ve been working on making my own. Care to try?”

“Well, it’s lunchtime, and Dr. Tesla hasn’t come by yet,” a young mini-sea serpent bouncing a basketball against the tank wall replied, “so yeah.”

Zorf had begun handing out the homemade pellets when the scientist from Meryl’s store walked by, clutching several plastic bags in his hands. “Hm… I don’t remember feeding you. And I didn’t know I was still feeding you those pellets. Oh dear. Well,” he said as he rolled the money guppies into the fish tank, “meet your new friends. Don’t be too rough with them, they look sick.” The guppies had indeed looked healthy when Dr. Tesla bought them, but while he was driving to the I.N.S.A.N.E. (Institute for NonSensical, Atrocious, and Nefarious Experiments) facility where he worked, the fish had turned an unhealthy shade of green. He found that the fish food he had bought restored their normal color, but apparently not for long. “This’ll have to do until I get you some proper medicine,” he sighed, placing a few vitamins in the tank. “Some cheap jerk that Meryl is, selling me diseased fish.”

No sooner did the guppies hit the water than they swam for the vitamins and Zorf’s pellets, greedily sucking them into their mouths. “Some of us haven’t eaten yet! Wait your turn!” Rufus the fiddler crab exclaimed, only to be summarily ignored. Several of the fish even seemed to expand as they ate.

“Fascinating,” Dr. Tesla commented. “Dropping money, accelerated growth rate – these are definitely not normal guppies. Perfect for my next research project.”

Once everyone had finally eaten, Zorf, Rufus, and Stanley the plesiosaur went to greet the newcomers, expecting to see anxiety and confusion at being in new surroundings. Instead, their round beady eyes seemed totally devoid of intelligence.

“My name’s Stanley, and that’s Zorf and Rufus. What’s your name?” Stanley extended a flipper to one of the new fish.

There was no reply, not even a blink.

“Can you speak?”

The fish swam closer to him, but to no apparent purpose.

“Don’t bother,” Rufus said. “Look at its eyes. It’s only thinking about its next meal, if it can think at all.”

Zorf looked at the tank just across from theirs. In it a shrunken elephant wearing a snorkel was busy stuffing fish vitamins, consistently foiling a manta ray’s attempt at bouncing them up and down. He looked back at the new fish and compared them. “Rufus is right,” he remarked.

Stanley continued batting the basketball, but dropped it when he saw something shiny fall from one of the fish. “What on earth’s that?” he asked.

Rufus watched the shiny thing spin as it sank. “I believe the humans call it a coin.”

Dr. Tesla reached for the coin by reflex, only to crack his knuckles on the tank glass. “Ouch! I guess I’d better invent some way of fishing the coins out… perhaps a hand-held tractor beam…”

With this resolution, he left. The tank inhabitants hovered in the water as they pondered this development. “What do humans use coins for?” Stanley asked.

“I’m not sure,” Zorf answered. “You’d think they were immensely important.”

Just then, another scientist with freakishly long ear hair combed to look like sideburns walked past. His hands were also full of plastic bags with more of the orange-and-pink fish, as well as piranha-like ones. As he passed the tank, he stopped. “Now where did Tesla get those?” he wondered aloud. “No matter. I’ll just figure out how to breed the fish, and soon mine will outnumber his…” He placed the fish into another tank, where one was promptly eaten by an orange shark. “Bad Gash! Bad!” he yelled. “This sets my population back by 10%!”

The three then decided they had spent enough time wondering about the fish and went back to business.


	4. Plans on Cyracion

Cyrax, the supreme ruler of the Cyracian Empire and part-time evil genius, was deep in thought. Soon he would have enough of the money fish to sell to the Earth leaders. Then no short-sighted sentorg (sentient organism) rights protesters could claim that he had acted as an oppressor, simply imposing his will upon the poor Earth people with military force. Many riots had had to be quelled in the Empire because of things like this. Not that he cared, of course, but he enjoyed the challenge of doing things differently and wanted to spite the rebels.

Now, however, he was focused on something entirely different. Before him he beheld his greatest invention yet – a device that would mimic the effects of the almost-mythical Cyracian resurrection fish. It was not yet completed, but the potential of such a machine could not be understated. The current problem was to extract the necessary chemicals for study from a Cyracian resurrection fish. To do that, he would need to have the fish. He had placed a bounty on them years ago, but without success.

His musings were interrupted when Ulysses, a mud-gray Cyclops, lumbered into the room. “You remember that breeder fish you commanded me to dispose of, O great one?” Ulysses croaked in his granite-hard voice.

“Yes. What about it?” Cyrax snapped.

“It’s gone. And -”

“Good. Now return to your work,” Cyrax growled, before returning to his problem.

Ulysses blinked and thought for a moment. This was not what he had meant, but Cyrax said it was good, so… He stopped there. Thinking too much made his head hurt. Quickly he decided to move on to his next announcement and consulted his list. “Um…” he continued. “Yes. One of your loyal citizens has located a resurrection fish and desires to bring it in, to receive the bounty as decreed by Your Highness.” He sighed with relief at reaching the end. If he had told that Balrog once, he had told him a thousand times not to write such big words for his speeches, such as ‘it’, but Balrog wouldn’t listen.

“Excellent,” Cyrax said. “Where is he now? I will meet him at once.”

A red squid known to the palace workers as Psychosquid drifted in with a cage in one of his tentacles. In the cage, a fish with a pair of horns glared at him with murder in its eyes. “Here, Your Highness,” Psychosquid said with a sweeping bow. “I found it while I was looking for a gift for my girlfriend.”

“I thought she broke up with you,” Ulysses interjected.

“Shut up. You don’t know anything about women. She’s just playing hard to get,” Psychosquid retorted.

“Really now? I think when she chopped off your tentacle with that cleaver, she was trying to give you a subtle hint. It’s just a pity she didn’t aim for your fat %$@# head,” cursed the caged fish.

“I shall always treasure that cleaver as a sign of our everlasting love,” sighed Psychosquid.

“Silence, all of you!” Cyrax roared. “You found it?” he asked, turning to Psychosquid.

“Yes, as I said, I was looking for a gift for my Honeymuffin - ”

“Well,” Cyrax interrupted, ignoring the fish who was fake-retching, “that just means I don’t have to pay the bounty, since you already work for me. Now I’ll take that fish.”

Psychosquid was jolted out of his love-struck mood. “But… but… I have it in writing!” he exclaimed, holding up a poster. “See? ‘Resurrection fish wanted. Must be alive. Reward: A lifetime supply of chocoweed and other luxuries as supplied by the Imperial Treasury. Terms and conditions apply.’”

“It says ‘as supplied by the Imperial Treasury’. Who is in charge of the Imperial Treasury? Why, I believe I am. Which means if I decide not to pay you, you don’t get paid.”

“That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. At least point out the terms and conditions in 2-point font, instead of making up such arbitrary rules!”

Cyrax thought quickly. There was no way he could afford to give Psychosquid the lifetime supply of chocoweed he had promised. He’d probably give it all to his ex-girlfriend. Perhaps… “No, no, you’re perfectly right,” he said in his best voice of resignation. “It isn’t fair to you, not after you’ve worked so hard to find the fish. The thing is… there has been a national chocoweed shortage. I haven’t made any public announcements, for fear of mass panic. So I’m very sorry, but I can’t give you the chocoweed. What I can give you,” and here he tried to hide his evil grin, “is some paid time off with your girlfriend. Is that okay?”

“Really? Oh thank you thank you thank you!” Psychosquid exclaimed, hugging Cyrax with glee. “My Doodlepie will be so happy to hear this!” With that, he swam off as quickly as his tentacles could carry him.

Ulysses looked puzzled. “But I thought she broke up with him,” he repeated.

“Exactly. Whatever she does to him will be a thousand times worse than anything I could come up with. Now, my little fish friend,” Cyrax said to the resurrection fish as he dusted himself off, “let me introduce you to my latest invention.”

“What is it? A device to deflate oversized heads? I think you could use one,” the fish retorted.

“We will have our little humor, won’t we? My invention, if indeed your diminutive fish brain can comprehend it, will resurrect the dead. Will. It is not complete. That is where you come in.”

“And what makes you think I’m going to help a *(&@$ like you with your ^%@#% thingamajig?”

“Well,” Cyrax replied with barely concealed irritation, “I happen to have an infiltrator, on this planet called Earth. He sells sushi, a popular Earth dish. Sushi is basically fish. If you don’t behave, he will have a new, exclusive sushi to auction off to the highest bidder.”

“We both know you won’t kill me,” the fish grinned slyly. “It took you years to find me. How long would you have to wait to find another of my kind stupid enough to help you?”

“Who said anything about killing you?” Cyrax grinned back. “Maybe I didn’t make this clear. Sushi is not made out of the whole fish. It is made of small pieces of fish. Pieces which I am sure you can live without. How many sushi do you think my spy will be able to make before you die?”

The fish’s eyes blazed with impotent rage. “You wouldn’t,” she said, but her voice lacked its original conviction.

“In fact,” Cyrax continued, “I’m feeling a bit hungry right now, and I don’t see why I can’t try a sushi myself. Wait here. I’ll get the knife. And the seaweed. And the rice.”

“Don’t! I… I’ll do whatever you say,” the fish said helplessly.

“Good little fish. Now we can begin the extraction,” Cyrax intoned ominously.


	5. The Leak Is Discovered

A few days later, back in the I.N.S.A.N.E. facility on Earth, the tanks in the Piscine Research Department were filled with plump money fish. In addition to the guppy and piranha-like ones found earlier, new species had started appearing. There had been some rather unpleasant arguments in the past few days over the fish. Even now, no one could be sure that the other scientists weren’t swapping their fish for more valuable species, or to feed their own fish. The tanks’ more ordinary inhabitants had mixed reactions to the money fish themselves.

“Come on, Nimbus!” yelled a snail who seemed to be glowing red with rage. “I want that coin!”

“No way! I have to set a new record for bouncing this thing before the humans take it away! This is the first time I’ve gotten to bounce something that Brinkley won’t gobble up,” Nimbus (the manta ray from earlier) replied. “What do _you_ want with it anyway? It’s not as if you’ve ever seen a coin before the humans bought these fish.”

“Tsk, tsk,” said a swordfish safely watching the drama from another tank. “It seems pointless wars and arguments aren’t limited to humans. What a shame. Amp’s real lucky not to have any of those fish in his tank.”

“Is he, now?” an orange shark swimming beside him replied. “Didn’t you see what Dr. K. Boom did this morning?”

“No. What?”

“He stocked up the tank with money guppies. Then he tickled Amp. Zap! The next thing you know, the tank is filled with shiny stones and dead fish.”

“How dreadful!” the swordfish exclaimed in horror.

“Isn’t it? Dr. K. Boom even kept some of the bodies in little pickle jars. That’s just sick.” In fact, Gash was just thinking about what a waste of food it was. Since he had ‘accidentally’ eaten one, (he was supposed to be on a vegetarian diet) he could not stop thinking about how juicy and tender they were, and snacked on them every so often. Of course, that led Dr. Earwax, the caretaker of his tank, to accuse the other scientists of stealing fish.

Itchy sighed. “It’s all the money fishes’ fault. Not that they are actually to blame – I don’t think they can help it. But this is just insane.”

“Some days you just wish they would go away, huh?” Gash murmured as he watched the humans scurrying about outside with their tractor beams to drag out the coins and gems as they were produced.

“Yeah… pretty much.”

Itchy could not have known of the terrible way in which his wish would be fulfilled. He could not know what was transpiring just a few blocks away in a small sushi restaurant. Yet it would haunt him for the rest of his life.

The restaurant was called Sylvester’s Sushi – quite aptly, as it was managed by a tall, barrel-chested man named Sylvester. Like Meryl of the Fish Emporium, however, Sylvester also hid a secret. He was actually an alien spy, trained to keep his eyes and ears open for anything of interest, even while operating a busy restaurant. Today afforded an opportunity to use this training.

While wiping the counter and preparing for the lunch rush, he passed by two of his regular customers who were deep in conversation. “… I’m telling you, my friend’s cousin’s brother’s daughter’s hairstylist’s son works in the I.N.S.A.N.E. lab. And I heard from him that funny things are going on in there.”

“What sort of ‘funny things’?”

“He says,” the first man’s voice dropped to a whisper, “he says that the scientists discovered fish that produce money.”

The second man spat out his coffee in surprise. Sylvester would have too if he had been drinking anything. “You can’t be serious,” the coffee-spitter sneered. “Remember that time they claimed to have a penguin that had a spring-loaded boxing glove for innards?”

Sylvester did not wait to hear more. He strode to the back room with all the casualness he could muster, before hurriedly whipping out a communicator and fumbling with the buttons. The small video screen soon displayed a strange alien who looked like a cross between a lion and a tadpole carefully combing his hair.

“Cyracian Imperial Palace. Please hold,” said the alien without even looking at the communicator.

“Don’t you ‘Please hold’ me, Balrog!” Sylvester hissed, squeezing his com in a death grip and wishing it was Balrog’s throat. “Put me through to Cyrax _now_! It’s an emergency!”

“That’s what they all say, and the attitude is not going to speed things up,” Balrog said coolly as he continued combing. “You’re not the only person who wishes to speak with an imperial representative, you know. In fact, there’s been a rush lately, because of some shrink-brained rumors of a chocoweed shortage. And what would happen if I let all the people who say that it’s an emergency jump the call queue? There’d be chaos, that’s what would happen. Besides, Cyrax is busy right now. So please hold.”

“Why you - ” Sylvester was about to break into a string of Cyracian profanity when he remembered where he was. He forced himself to count to 10 and start again. “Balrog?” he began, but classical music had already started playing. This time he did not restrain himself. “@#$#$&*%((^%$#&&%%&&**!!!” He stormed out of the back room, trying to resist the urge to tear out the fake hair on his human suit.

“Bad day?” the coffee-spitter asked sympathetically, noting the look on Sylvester’s face.

“You might say that,” Sylvester replied through clenched teeth.


	6. Damage Control

Cyrax was, in fact, quite busy back on Cyracion. He had spent the last few nights synthesizing the chemicals extracted from the resurrection fish, and was now ready to test his machine. Carefully, he placed a prized Bilaterus (an extinct Cyracian sea monster) fossil into the main chamber and pulled the lever. There was no crackling of unnatural energies, no ominous surge of lightning, only the slow wafting of chemicals on to the skeleton. A slight hissing sound was heard – then the rasp of dried joints moving as the Bilaterus stirred for the first time in millennia.

“It’s alive!” was Cyrax’s triumphant cry.

“Your Highness?” came a voice at the door of his private lab.

“What is it?!” Cyrax yelled. “You are interrupting my moment!”

“It’s Sylvester, Your Highness. Said he would only speak with Your Highness. He called about an hour ago,” the voice replied.

“Then you should have told me an hour ago!” Cyrax roared, opening the door.

“But… you were busy…” Balrog stammered.

Cyrax throttled Balrog with his tentacles. “Yes. I was busy. But any information from the spies was supposed to go to me immediately, remember?! (I really should get that hotline fixed.) Psychosquid!” he called.

“He’s… on vacation…” gasped Balrog.

“Right. Of course. Not that it matters. I am sure my friend the Bilaterus here will do in his absence.” Cyrax said, releasing the hungry skeletal serpent and pushing Balrog towards it.

Balrog screamed in terror as the Bilaterus advanced. “Not the hair! Not the hair!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Cyrax drifted off nonchalantly and settled into Balrog’s spot in the communications room before pushing a few buttons. After a long pause, Sylvester’s voice came through.

“This is not a good time,” he whispered tersely. “Lunch rush. And there’s sushi everywhere, no thanks to people who can’t use chopsticks and won’t use their fingers - ”

“The sushi can wait. Balrog said you had some information for me. What is it?”

“One of my customers said something about fish that produce money being studied in a human lab. I think they might be yours.”

Now was Cyrax’s turn to be shocked. How could the money fish have escaped? And escaped to Earth of all places? “Are you sure?”

“Positive. The scientists could have engineered the fish themselves, but either way, it’s bad news for your plan.”

Cyrax paused as he mentally sifted through his options. “You and Gus go and find that lab. Contact me once you have its coordinates and stay close by to provide backup. I will send in troops to destroy the fish,” he said at last. “No human must have them until sales begin.”

“Can we do it after lunch? I can’t close the restaurant now.”

“Your restaurant can – well… so be it. It will take me that long to get my forces organized anyhow. Getting temps for Balrog and Psychosquid and all that. Ugh.”

Unbeknownst to either of them, the mini-Cyraxes responsible for the leak were quietly monitoring their conversation from their hideout.

“Oh no! I told you he would find out!” #52 whined, reverting to his earlier attitude about the rebellion.

Thinking quickly, Mastermind headed for the door. “Shut up and come with me,” he ordered.

#52 obeyed and swam with Mastermind to Cyrax’s private lab. They broke in swiftly and easily, thanks to their genetic similarity to Cyrax. “What are we doing?” #52 asked.

Mastermind shushed him and scanned the wall shelves. In the midst of bottles and jars of various reagents, he spied a cage with a sleeping fish inside. “Aha!” he exclaimed as he tried to pick the lock on the cage. “Wake up, fish!”

“I have a name, you jerk-head!!!” the fish snapped. “And what are you doing?”

“Does everyone in this whole palace ask stupid questions? I’ve no time to explain. If you want to get back at Cyrax, you will follow me and do as I say. When we warp you to Earth, warn all the humans within earshot that there will be an alien invasion planning to destroy the money fish. Understand?”

Mastermind’s feverish instructions trickled through the fish’s head like water through a sieve. The only thing she understood was the part about getting revenge on Cyrax. But that was enough.

“Now,” Mastermind said as they reached the Warp Room, “we’ll just warp you back to where we put the money fish earlier. In all likelihood, they won’t still be there, but just remember your lines!” With that, he frantically pressed several buttons. Once the first traces of a portal appeared, the fish shot through it. Turning to #52, Mastermind sighed. “Hopefully at least some of the fish will live.”


	7. Chaos

It was, in fact, a few hours after the lunch rush before Sylvester could close his restaurant and find the I.N.S.A.N.E. lab. This was not very difficult, thanks to the large neon sign in front of the otherwise nondescript building. “Well, here we are,” he said to the short fat man standing beside him.

“This is it?” the fat man, whose name was Gus, replied. “I was expecting something more like those Area 67s or whatever it is in those movies.”

Sylvester eyed the glass door with the ‘Push’ sign in it suspiciously. “51,” he corrected. “But you’re right, there should be more security.”

“Do you think this is the right place?”

“Of course it is. Can’t you see the neon? Anyway, let’s call in the cavalry,” Sylvester said, whipping out his com.

“Can’t we go in and eat the fish ourselves? I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry,” Sylvester retorted as he entered the warp coordinates in his com.

“Please?” Gus begged.

“Cyrax’s orders. We’re supposed to be backup. Besides, we don’t want to blow our cover unnecessarily.”

“But I’m really, really hungry!”

“Put a sock in it. I’m hungry too, you know. And at least you don’t have to stare at racks of raw fish every day without being able to eat any. Now,” Sylvester said as he pressed the final button, “we wait.”

Meanwhile, deep in a fish tank in the I.N.S.A.N.E. labs, a small porpoise named Blip was crying softly, oblivious to the human scientists outside collecting coins. He felt lonely. All the other fish in his tank shunned him and hated him for his psychic abilities. Itchy and Gash tried to be nice to him, but he could tell they weren’t comfortable around him either. Worst of all was that Boris the butterfly fish. Boris and his posse made it a habit to tease poor Blip and throw tank gravel at him, at regularly scheduled times in the day. In his darker moments he wished that they would just die.

He heard someone open the top of the neighboring tank. It was Dr. K. Boom. At first, Blip thought that he was adding more money fish for Amp, the black skull-headed electric eel, to zap into shiny stones. Instead, the fish he rolled into the tank was black and red with small horns on its head. Dr. K. Boom was muttering to himself. “Stupid scientists. They can’t see that my carbonizing eel is the best way to make money from those money fish. No appreciation for talking fish either.”

“At this point,” the fish panted (she appeared to be out of breath) and turned to Amp, “I’m supposed to tell you that there’s going to be an alien invasion. But I’m not. None of these &^%$#%^s will listen to me. And I’m betting you won’t.”

Amp gazed at the fish with his cold red eyes, but said nothing. Blip pondered. Alien invasion? Maybe that was why he had a bad feeling about that part of the tank by the plastic submarine. He had not bothered to tell the other fish about it. Maybe he should have. But they wouldn’t believe him anyway…

While he was still vacillating, there was a brilliant flash of light beside the plastic submarine. A portal appeared, and from it a monstrous two-headed skeletal serpent emerged with an unearthly rattling noise. He screamed at the top of his voice. “Look out!”

“Oh no…” the new fish muttered.

The humans all gasped in shock.

Amp said nothing.

The serpent advanced. It had not eaten in millennia, and it was hungry.

“Itchy, _what are you doing_?!” Blip shrieked when he saw Itchy and Gash approach the serpent.

“You don’t look very happy,” Itchy said calmly to the serpent, ignoring Blip. “Maybe we can talk this out?”

With the slightest toss of its round head, the serpent slammed Itchy into the tank wall. “Talk this out, my tailfin! My turn!” Gash snarled as he sank his teeth into the round head. So intent was he on keeping his grip that he never noticed the spiked head on the serpent’s other end circling around until it clamped onto his neck. He gave an unsharklike squeal as the spiked head thrashed him about. Blip could only cower in horror.

He heard roars and grunts from the other tanks, and saw other monsters slashing and clawing their way through the beady-eyed money fish. The ordinary fish were trying to defend them, but to little effect since the money fish would sometimes swim stupidly towards the aliens. The humans were all scrambling and tripping over one another to defend their source of income.

Ripping sounds brought Blip’s attention back to his own tank. Even then he was too numb to process the sight before him. Boris, his friends and most of the money fish had all been sliced into sashimi-sized shreds by the spines on the bony serpent’s back. The serpent now moved to eat the fragments, but to no avail since it had no stomach.

Thus did Blip learn the painful lesson that with great power comes great responsibility.

Meanwhile, the new fish was trying to ram her way through the glass separating their tanks. In the other tanks, other dramas were unfolding. A small whale named Wadsworth had swallowed several money fish and was now taking a pounding. His companion, an anglerfish named Gumbo, was trying to lead the larger money fish away from the yellow and red monster.

The tank next to that one was under attack from a red squid. Rufus and Stanley lived in that tank, and they were fighting the squid with gusto. “Get him down here, Stanley! That’s it! Hi-yah!”

Ignoring the painful blows and pinches as best as he could, the red squid continued slashing at the blissfully oblivious money fish. Dr. Tesla was desperately rewiring his tractor beam. At last he closed the plastic case and opened fire. “Take that, you overgrown psycho squid!”

The other scientists had at last organized their counterattack, using a variety of weapons such as laser beams and fish nets. Still the monsters forged on with their mission to destroy the money fish. But they were faltering, and they knew it.

Sylvester and Gus were pacing about restlessly outside and tweaking the holographic displays that served as their human faces to make them look like Arnold Schwarzenegger and an obese Brad Pitt respectively when Sylvester’s com beeped. “Request backup,” was the message. “Repeat, request backup. Get the humans off our backs!”

“Finally, some action!” Sylvester exclaimed as he charged towards the glass door.

“And food!” Gus chimed in.

No sooner had they stepped through the door than they found their way barred by lasers. They wheeled around to find the door blocked as well. All the while alarms were sounding. “Perfect,” Sylvester muttered.

“Told you there was something fishy about that door,” Gus mumbled.

“You said nothing of the sort,” Sylvester retorted. He gouged a mechanical optical receptor out of his human suit and used the inner workings to redirect one of the lasers. The Arnold Schwarzenegger face flickered and died, revealing the metal framework underneath. “Your turn.”

After Gus had done the same, they continued on their way to the Piscine Research Department. The scientists there hardly noticed the intrusion; they were too busy defending the fish. However, the two were accosted by a young boy (probably there in place of day care) who had a strange robot standing beside him. “Cool! Terminators!” he shouted with glee.

\--<Terminate>\-- beeped the robot. It fired two small missiles at Sylvester and Gus. Before they could dodge, the missiles had exploded on their suits, revealing the internal circuitry and causing dangerous cracks in their water-filled cores. Sylvester snatched a fire hatchet from the wall and furiously smashed the robot.

“Terminate this!” he yelled. “Gus, deal with the other humans!”

“But I want to eat fish,” Gus whined even as the boy gaped over his destroyed robot.

“Just do it!!!”

Now the scientists turned to see the two one-eyed androids glowering at them. They paused, unable to decide whether to defend their money fish or face the new threat. Sylvester and Gus took full advantage of their uncertainty by pummeling them with their metal fists. Sylvester only stopped when he noticed the aliens in the fish tanks moaning in pain from their cauterized laser wounds. Quickly he smashed open the tanks with his fire hatchet, flooding the room with water and fish and adding to the general chaos. “Gus! Grab our friends and go!”

“Why do I have to do everything?”

“ _Stop asking stupid questions!_ ”

Gus grumbled unintelligibly, but obeyed. On a sudden impulse, he grabbed the missile robot on his way out, leaving behind a room full of groaning scientists, water, and flopping fish.

“Destructor!” wailed the boy. “Why?!”


	8. Aftermath

There was not a moment to lose. Smashing open the aquariums had been the fastest way to rescue the injured aliens, but now they would suffocate out of water. Also, before long the water level in Sylvester and Gus’ damaged suits would be too low for them to breathe. “We need a portal!” Sylvester shouted urgently into his com. “Now!”

His request was promptly granted. Sylvester and Gus pushed their comrades into the wormhole first before following themselves. In a few seconds they were in the Warp Room of the Cyracian Imperial Palace.

“What. Happened?” Cyrax growled, not as concerned by the agony of his troops as he was with finding out whether it was their fault.

“There was… heavy resistance…” gasped an alien of Balrog’s species who was temping for him.

“Resistance? From the humans? The spies did not tell me it was a military facility,” Cyrax said, glaring at Sylvester and Gus.

“It wasn’t,” said the red squid. “The humans seemed woefully unprepared. But the other fish in the tanks… they held us off until the humans could respond.”

“Are you saying that you were stopped by indigenous Earth fish?! I should have you all fired,” Cyrax muttered.

“Why didn’t you just use the imperial army then?” Sylvester complained. “They might have been able to fight off the humans.”

“Word would get out if I involved too many personnel,” Cyrax said dismissively. “No one outside of this room must know that the money fish escaped to Earth. Speaking of which, you _have_ killed them all, right?”

The aliens shrugged. “We’re not sure,” Sylvester admitted. “I had to smash the fish tanks to rescue our friends. The fish won’t survive out of water, but they’ll be the first thing the humans try to save.”

Cyrax groaned and massaged his brain case. “It figures,” he sighed in exasperation. “We’ll just have to try again. This time, if you encounter the Earth fish, put them into stasis eggs. I’d like to study them. Maybe they’d make better exterminators than all of you combined. And what is this… thing doing here?” he asked, pointing to the mangled missile-firing robot.

Gus thought for a moment before replying. “This robot was what damaged our suits. If we could repair and reprogram it, it would definitely come in handy.”

“That’s the first smart thing you’ve said all day,” Sylvester muttered.

“I’ll make a note of it,” Cyrax said. He left with an imperious flourish of his tentacles. The aliens all groaned and sagged to the ground.

* * *

The scientists did not have the same luxury of lying around and watching their bruises swell. It was definitely tempting to just lie on the damp floor and watch stars arrange themselves into constellations, but they were jolted to their senses when they realized their remaining money fish would die without water. Quickly they scooped the fish up and dumped them into intact emergency tanks. Even then, many of the fish floated limply on the surface of the water.

“No! No, no, no no no! Wake up! Please wake up!” Dr. Earwax begged the fish.

The red-and-black fish gently touched each of the floating fish before swimming sadly under a plastic rock. Immediately, the fish stirred and retreated to other plastic rocks to recuperate from the gruesome battle. However, the money fish continued swimming around in their usual oblivious fashion.

“Did you… did you see that?” Dr. Earwax stuttered in excitement. “The red-and-black fish just resurrected the other fish! But then there’s that one… that was eaten down to a skeleton by that bone-snake thing… ergh. Guys?”

He turned to find the room empty. The other scientists had already left to fetch some bolster-sized ice packs. “Go figure. Well, that just means more money for me, once I figure out how that fish did it,” he said, snatching up a tractor beam and aiming carefully under the plastic rock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if past me intended this chapter to have more content.
> 
> To fill in the blanks between this and the events of the game:
> 
>   * Angie tried to atone for not successfully warning the fish
>   * Destructor was reprogrammed to be on the aliens' side
>   * The pets were all kidnapped and sealed into eggs, and then teleported to Earth in another disaster, explaining why you buy egg pieces in Adventure Mode to unlock pets
> 

> 
> Reads and kudos always appreciated, and all comments are welcome.


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